This is my story. The story of how I took back my life. I’m writing it here as my first post because it’s not something I talk about a lot, and I’m pretty self conscious about it. The only people I’ve talked about my weight loss journey with are the ones who loved me before I gained the weight, and who loved me at my heaviest.
I was never a small girl. I think even in high school, I would have been considered curvy. When I went to college (the first time), I was a size 16. After I left college, I moved in with my then boyfriend (now ex-husband). I was a size 18/20 and I weighed 250 pounds, and that’s where I stayed most of my adult life. When I was pregnant with both of my kids, I did gain some, but I lost it right away in both cases.
My ex-husband and I tried all the weight loss programs that were popular. We tried South Beach, we tried low fat, we tried the Grapefruit and Egg diet, but nothing ever worked.
Then, after my youngest was born, I had postpartum depression, which went undiagnosed. After five years, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.
By the fifth year, I had gained more than 125 pounds. I could not function without drinking almost a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper every day. I needed the caffeine and the sugar to have any energy at all. I was super malnourished and unhealthy, my hair was falling out, my teeth had holes in them, I had plantar fasciitis so badly that I couldn’t walk after sitting for just a couple minutes. I don’t actually know how much I weighed because we didn’t have a scale that went that high. However, I believe I weighed at least 375 pounds at this point. I felt miserable and I hated the way I looked.
And then, magically, on November 1st, 2015, I woke up and I realized that I was no longer depressed and I no longer needed the Dr. Pepper to function. I know it doesn’t happen like that for everyone, but something switched in my brain and I was better. From the depression and the Dr. Pepper addiction at least. I haven’t had soda since that day. But I had a long road, with many setbacks ahead of me.
At the time, it didn’t occur to me to diet or exercise, even though I was so heavy. Nothing had worked in the past, so I figured it wouldn’t work then either.
In the spring of 2016, two things happened. First, a friend of mine started a hiking group with our friends. She planned a hike every week, and my kids and I started going. We enjoyed it so much that I started a second hiking day. My ex liked hiking too, so we’d go on the weekends as well. The kids and I were hiking up to three times a week.
Now, we’d had the materials to build some raised beds for our garden, but my ex refused to build them for me because he didn’t believe I’d fill them. Since I’d been so depressed for so long, that was a fair assessment. He finally agreed to build one, and if I filled it, then he’d build the rest. We’d had leaves delivered from the city for exactly this purpose, so he built that bed, and I filled it. It was a small bed, but I was so out of shape, it took me two days to shovel the leaves into it, and then he built the rest of the beds.
It felt so good to use my muscles and be productive, that I didn’t want to stop. I used the leaves to create most of the beds that exist on my urban farm now. I had no idea what I was doing, and I did not use cardboard underneath, so the grass did grow back. But it was a good start, and it was the beginning of what the garden looks like now.
Between not drinking soda, hiking, and hauling leaves, I believe I lost about 35 pounds. It was a drop in the bucket. I didn’t really feel it, and we still didn’t have a scale that would go that high.
Then drama happened. In October of 2016, I was rushed to the emergency room with a gallstone the size of a walnut. I had emergency surgery to remove it, and my gallbladder.
Afterward, I found that almost all foods hurt me. I won’t go into details, but it wasn’t fun. As a last ditch effort, I decided to stop eating wheat and sugar. To prepare, I researched recipes for wheat free tortillas because commercial gluten-free tortillas are no good. As I researched, I kept coming across recipes for keto tortillas. I had never heard of keto before, and it sounded intriguing. Meat and cheese? Yes please!
I decided that instead of just giving up wheat and sugar, I would try the keto diet. I started on May 17, 2017, the day after Mother’s Day. We bought a better scale so I could keep track, and I weighed in on day 1 at 344 pounds. At first, I thought I just wanted to get back to 250 pounds, but once I started keto, I decided that wasn’t good enough, and I aimed for 200, thinking that would be a size 16.
In the beginning, keto was easy. I didn’t have to keep track of macros or calories. I just made sure I was eating low carb. The weight just fell off. And I started getting better. I still remember the morning I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom without hobbling. My plantar fasciitis was gone. My hair stopped falling out, my teeth started healing, *I* started healing. I lost about 70 pounds in 6 months with no exercise beyond the hiking and gardening I was doing.
In late 2018, my marriage started to fall apart, and we were divorced by the end of 2019. Because of my divorce, I had a really uncertain future – I almost became unhoused, I only saw my kids half the time, most of my friends dumped me, and I had no future. My weight was up and down. I’d gain 30 pounds back and say to myself, “No! We’re not going back there!” and I’d get back on track.
Once I had a plan – I decided to go back to school – and my housing was secure by buying my house from my ex, I mostly stayed on track. There were times when I lost sight of my goals. There were times when I got tired of keeping my eye on the prize. There were times I got so lonely I would lose myself in a little romance and forget about my goals. But each time I found myself again and I started again. Each time getting closer and closer to my goal.
Until finally, Christmas of 2022, I weighed in at 200 pounds.
And I was a size 14, not a 16. I slowly switched from keto to a maintaining diet which works really well. Some foods still hurt me, but I’ve learned how to live without them. The foods that I am sensitive to are mostly grains and sugar, so I naturally have a low carb diet. I’ve learned how to enjoy a lot more vegetables. I don’t miss soda at all. I don’t miss my old way of eating, and I definitely don’t miss the weight. I lost a total of 180 pounds.
I owe that keto tortilla recipe my life. I have more energy than I’ve ever had. I still love hiking, though I don’t get to do it as often as I’d like. I still work on the urban farm everyday. I’m healthy, and not malnourished any longer. I’m still curvy, but that’s just how I am. I love my body. It’s gotten me through every day so far. Keto was a really good choice for me, but it’s not for everyone. Would I recommend keto? That’s a whole other post.
(P.S. I actually decided to go a bit further and I weigh less than 200 pounds now. I’ve been maintaining for a year, and I’m so happy I went on this journey!)
This post was published on Moon and Hare Collective.com
